2 Easy Ways To Transform Your Relationship with Gratitude

Of all the holidays throughout the year, Thanksgiving is my favorite. It provides us the rare opportunity to take time out from our busy schedules to reflect and give thanks for our many blessings.

There is something to be said about gratitude.

Author and researcher Dr. Robert Emmons has discovered that it is the secret to a more meaningful life.  

Studies have shown that gratitude can improve emotional and physical health, and strengthen relationships and communities.

In my work with couples, I often refer to the adage - "What you focus on expands."

If you focus on the flaws in your relationship, you will notice these flaws more often. If, however, you practice this wonderful virtue of gratitude, and focus on what you love and cherish about your partner, this is what will expand in your field of awareness.

Gratitude changes your perception thus changing your world. It works kind of like a prism, changing ordinary light into a rainbow of colors. The light doesn't actually change, but our perception of it changes depending upon how we look through the prism. 

Here are two practical ways you can bring gratitude into your life and your relationship.

• Keep a Gratitude Journal

Keeping a gratitude journal about your relationship allows you to look past a multitude of annoying habits and helps you rediscover what makes your partner so special. 

• The Appreciation Dialogue

One of the variations of my Couples Dialogue is the Appreciation Dialogue. When couples practice this dialogue regularly they cultivate the habit of noticing and sharing all the things they love about each other. Can you imagine how this could impact your relationship?

Let's make Thanksgiving a tradition that we practice every day of the year so that we can all reap the rewards of a truly blessed and grateful heart.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

It's Halloween, But Stop Wearing That Mask In Your Marriage

Wow, just a few short days until Halloween. I can remember how excited my boys would get as they put on their costumes for trick or treating. Through the years, I've enjoyed seeing the neighborhood kids come to the door and it's amazing how different they looked in their costumes. Some were monsters, some were princesses, and some were movie stars, but I didn't recognize them at all with their masks on.

When I think about it, don't we wear some of those same masks in our relationships? It's easier to hide behind masks of anger than to risk being vulnerable. How often do you try to be that prince or princess while burying your own needs deep inside? Things can seem picture perfect on the outside, while quiet desperation brims just under the surface.

One of the first steps on the journey to a more authentic relationship is to create a climate of safety and security. The Couples Dialogue that I teach my couples is designed to do just that. It all starts with the way you communicate with each other.

This dialogue is a step-by-step process of building trust and intimacy as you begin to actively listen to each other with validation and empathy. Here are a few key components:

• Adopt a curious, focused attention on your partner during the dialogue. Remember, you don't have to agree. Your goal is to understand a perspective that will most likely be very different than your own.

• Take turns letting each other speak without interruption. When you allow each other to speak freely without judgment, a safe and healthy connection begins to emerge.

• Use phrases like, "I can see how you might see it that way," or "I imagine that must have made you feel..." These phrases can help to cultivate a sense of validation and empathy.

Being authentic and real in our relationships can be a frightening proposition, but it is one of the key ingredients to a healthy and satisfying relationship. So, as you let your true selves begin to shine, you can put aside those silly masks—except of course on Halloween.

Have a safe and Happy Halloween everyone!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Are you Letting Your Marriage Get Lost in the Shuffle?

Life can really get crazy.

Two jobs, the kids soccer practices, back to school night, PTA meetings – and on it goes…

It’s a whirlwind of “to-dos.”  But where does your marriage fit into all of that? How much time do you make for your relationship? Is it even on the calendar?

With all these other commitments competing for attention, your marriage can end up forgotten, like the summer vacation pictures at the back of the junk drawer – LOST.

It usually doesn’t get much attention until the signs of neglect become too hard to ignore. You begin to feel like those “two ships,” as if you’re roommates instead of the loving partners you once were.

It’s no wonder. Neither of you is getting what you need and your marriage is certainly not getting what it needs to thrive.

Let’s make sure your marriage doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. You can plan to do things differently. When you get those calendars out to schedule those basketball practices and business meetings, block some time in your schedule for your marriage. This could mean a Friday evening date night, a walk together around the neighborhood, or just some quiet time on the patio with no distractions.

Just like anything else that’s important in your life, the effort you expend morphs into meaningful rewards. Nothing beats that feeling of closeness and connection with your significant other. But this is built over time and nurtured with every loving encounter.

So get your marriage on the top of that list and start reaping the rewards of a healthy and vibrant relationship.

Don’t forget to join my “Love Your Marriage” exclusive community.

I'm in there every day to give you some helpful tools and resources for your marriage and hopefully, you will share a few of your own.  Click here to join 

Want to do some spring cleaning in your marriage?

Oh the wonders of spring. A time to look ahead to brighter days and warmer weather. This is the season of new life and new possibilities. "Out with the old and in with the new." 

It's time to clean out those old closets and do some spring cleaning. Not just for your house, but for your relationship too. 

So let's dig out those "cleaning" tools and start revitalizing your relationship.  

THE POWER OF THE 3PS

1) perspective

I believe that life is 99% perspective What you focus on expands. When you focus on the flaws in your relationship that's what you'll experience. On the other hand if you choose to focus on the good stuff, that's what you'll see. Of course when there's a lot of conflict in a marriage it tends to cover over all the positive like a big black cloud and you can't even see the good that may be right in front of your eyes. 

This is when anger, frustration and misunderstanding can really take hold.

You need to be like strength detectives in your marriage, searching and amplifying the positive in each other and in the relationship. Start by taking the time each day to recall one thing you appreciate about your spouse. It could be something they did like putting the coffee on in the morning before you wake up. Or it could be their beautiful smile. 

And don't keep all of this a secret. Let your spouse know how much you appreciate him or her and watch them really sparkle.

2) Personal Responsibility

When couples come in for counseling with me and the first thing each of them talks about is what’s wrong with their spouse I start thinking  - "Uh oh, we’ve got some work to do here."

Focusing on what’s wrong with your spouse will get you nowhere and it will keep you stuck in the problem. It’s going to make you feel frustrated and more like a victim that a full participant in your relationship.

It's so much more empowering to focus your precious energy on what you can do to make positive change rather than wishing and wondering when your partner is going to change. 

Be the change you wish to see in your relationship.

2) Practice

When you want to create healthier habits in your life you have to practice new, positive behavior until it becomes automatic. The same is true for your relationship. You need to practice what you want, not what you don't want, until what you want becomes the new normal. 

This could be a regular Friday evening date night or a nightly walk around the block to chat about your day.

Creating healthier habits in your relationship is your ticket to a long and healthy relationship.

So, let's clean out those cob webs in your relationship and get ready to do some spring cleaning that really rocks!

Hope you found this newsletter insightful for your marriage. If you know one person who would benefit from this email you can "pay it forward" by forwarding this email to them. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Marriage Makeover: 3 Steps To a Better Marriage In The New Year!

For many people January is somewhat of a letdown. The holidays are over, it's cold outside, and we're usually left with a few extra pounds from overdoing it in December. But to me the new year means a new beginning, a fresh start, and as Oprah Winfrey cheers- "a new year and another  chance for us to get it right."

You have a golden opportunity in this brand new year to bring a spirit of positive change into your marriage. Even in these barren days of winter a new perspective can begin to blossom. 

Isn't life all about perspective? I often tell my clients that I believe life is 99.9% perspective. How we choose to see the world is how we will experience it. So,it's not a matter of overhauling your whole relationship. That can feel like a daunting challenge. Maybe it's just a matter of tweaking your perspective- just a little. Noticing, perhaps for the first time in a long while, the good that was there all along. 

It's like Dorothy's ruby slippers in the Wizard of Oz. I love that amazing scene when the Good Witch revealed to Dorothy the value of those slippers. She had been wearing them all along without realizing the power they possessed. In that moment Dorothy discovers she wasn't asking the right question. The question was not, "How do I get what I want?"  The real question was, "How do I recognize what I already have?"  

You need to polish that old gemstone and discover how beautiful and precious it really is. That gemstone of course is your spouse!

Here are 3 steps you can take right now to make the New Year's Resolution that really counts:

• Begin to focus on what you love about your spouse. Make a list to remind yourself. Read it often and don't forget to share these precious insights with the special person who inspires this affection.

• Be kind. This quote says it all. So simple, yet so powerful!

• Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Practice seeing things from your spouse's "perspective" instead of your own.  You'd be surprised how much you can learn when you adopt an attitude of curiosity rather than judgment. 

  So I guess January isn't such a letdown after all.  Ah, the beauty of PERSPECTIVE!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Let's make this year our best year ever!!

How to Protect your Marriage from the Top 3 Holiday Stressors this Year

Wow, the holiday season has arrived already.  

For me, it’s a mixture of fun, festivities and full-blown chaos. The holidays can be challenging even for the healthiest marriage. 

Here are some tips to get you through the 3 main challenges couples  deal with over the holidays. 

Finances

Fighting over money is one of the top 10 issues of conflict for couples. And the holidays season puts this on overdrive. If you want to have a more enjoyable holiday this year it would help if you sat down together and developed a rock-solid holiday budget. 

• Coming together as a team and deciding how much money to allocate for each gift makes things run much more smoothly. 

• It can be even more helpful to have a set holiday allotment in your overall yearly budget. That way you won’t be blindsided when the holidays arrive. 

  (Click here for more help with that)

• Be creative about your gifts. Some families have a grab bag of names they pick out at Thanksgiving, so each person has just one person to shop for in the extended family. Another way is to make homemade gifts such as homemade vanilla, bread, and other goodies. This can cut down on your cost and it makes the gift much more personal and unique.

Presents under the tree for the kids are always exciting, but the best present you can give them is your presence. Take the time to decorate as a family or make your favorite holiday cookies together. Maybe make a night of it while watching holiday movies and drinking hot chocolate together. These are the memories that last a lifetime.

Festivities

This time of year is often crammed with holiday parties, shopping for that perfect gift and garland, garland, garland.The pace can often be stressful and overwhelming and leaves little time to stop and smell the mistletoe. 

During this hectic season, it’s important to dial it back a bit and carve out quality alone time with your spouse. This could mean dinner and the movies, a cappuccino at Starbucks, or just walking around the neighborhood together admiring all the lights and glitter. 

Just taking this little pause in the hustle and bustle can help bring back the magic of this special season.

Family 

Family gatherings can be a time of great joy and an opportunity to make wonderful memories. But they can also be a source of pain and conflict. It’s important to have open communication with your spouse before attending holiday family events to establish the rules of engagement.

• What will you do when Uncle Joe gets a little nasty with your spouse when he’s had too much to drink?  How will you agree to handle that? Will you have a code word or a hand signal to put your plan into action?

• If your mother tends to become hypercritical of your wife’s cooking decide ahead of time together how you might respectfully respond so that your wife feels loved and supported. 

• Do political debates tend to become too heated?  Develop an exit strategy ahead of time so that the discussion doesn’t ruin your evening. Maybe you could steer the conversation to some positive memories that you all share or an uplifting story you read about on Facebook.

This is the time of year to reflect on your blessings and all the ways you can be the loving person you know you really are. 

Don’t let all the stresses and upsets let you lose sight of the very heart of the holiday season. (Which is after all...love!)

You can also check out this article for more tips on how to reduce holiday stress this year.

3 Marriage Saving Tips to Remember this Holiday Season

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

3 Fun Ideas to Give the Gift that Lasts!

Presents, presents, and more presents! That's what everyone's thinking about this time of year.  We're all searching for that perfect present for that special someone. 

What if that perfect present were absolutely free because you already have it to give? 

Well, look no further. That perfect present is- drum roll please... YOU. 

It's your presence.

(I couldn't resist a little holiday pun;)

Your presence is the greatest gift you can give your spouse this holiday season. The hustle and bustle of life pulls us in all kinds of directions all year long. 

It seems that couples have so little time to spend together and enjoy each other's company.

Why don't you decide that this year will be different?  

In my work with couples II talk a lot about the stages in a committed relationship and those of you who have worked with me know that my goal is to help couples evolve into the Conscious Love Stage. I call this the "Make it Happen" stage. So, instead of waiting and wishing that you had more time together - MAKE IT HAPPEN! When you make a decision to spend some quality time together it will happen. Need some ideas?

•    Hot Chocolate Rendezvous

Cuddle up by the fire with your favorite blanket and two steamy cups of hot chocolate. You can even roast some marshmallows or make some yummy S'mores together. Don't have a fireplace? No problem. Grab that favorite blanket, a thermos, and a picnic basket and take it to the park.

    •    Dinner for Two

Short on cash or time for a dinner date at that fancy restaurant? Then bring the restaurant to you. Light some candles, put on that romantic music, and dust off those fancy dinner plates you save for special occasions. If you love to cook you can whip up your favorite meal or just bring home some take-out and enjoy it with a romantic, elegant flare.
 

    •    Winter Wonderland Fun

If you want to have some fun burning those extra holiday calories try some fun winter sports together. Head for the slopes or the ice rink or maybe catch a hockey game together.

It just takes a little imagination and a splash of determination to spice up your relationship. So what are you waiting for?

Wishing you all a very blessed, safe and happy holiday season!

Hope you found this newsletter insightful for your marriage.

If you can think of one person who would benefit, please use the share link below to spread the word. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage? 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

3 Ways to Help Your Marriage Blossom This Spring

The beautiful season of spring has emerged with the promise of new beginnings.

During the cold winter months when I visit my garden, I swear that there is no way anything can grow from that frozen soil and the dry brown underbrush. But lo and behold, every spring those sweet little shoots of life begin to pop up.

New life can blossom in your marriage too, sometimes when you least expect it. Here are three necessary seeds you can plant in your marriage this spring to help keep it alive and vibrant.

• Random Acts of Kindness

It's the little things that count. This could mean bringing in the groceries or putting on the coffee in the morning. Or it might be calling your partner during the day just to say, "Hi." 

On some days it could be a surprise, like getting tickets for a special event, bringing home a favorite dessert, or scraping ice off the car on a cold winter morning before your partner wakes up.

Be creative! Experience the thrill in the unexpected.

• Personal Responsibility

When couples come to see me and each partner is blaming the other I know we have some serious work to do. If you want to make real change in your relationship, focus on what you can do to make positive change rather than wishing and wondering when your partner is going to change. 

• Attitude of Gratitude

There have been countless studies showing how gratitude can dramatically improve your life. When you focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want, more of what you want shows up. (It was actually always there, you just didn't notice it). When you apply this to your relationship, you begin to see your partner and your marriage in a fresh new light.

To help you practice this I have a fun activity you can do which is found in the toolkit you receive when you join my “Love Your Marriage” FB group.  

New life can blossom in a marriage even after a cold hard winter.  It just may need some extra TLC to make it happen. 

So make a commitment today to give your marriage the time and attention it needs to blossom into the amazing relationship you really want to have. 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Give The Best Valentine's Day Gift Ever!

It's that time of year again when the candy, flowers and teddy bears come out of hiding.

It's the Hallmark holiday that reminds you to tell that special someone you love them.

There are many ways to say "I love you" and this year, in honor of Valentine's Day, let's focus on one of the most important.

That is....drum roll please...listen to your partner. You HEARD right. Really listening helps them feel valued and loved. This can be easier than you think. You don't have to fix or defend anything. You don't even have to agree. You just have to listen. Easy peasy, right?

Well, not exactly. Most of the time it's not our “go to” response. But the good news is, studies show that listening is a skill that can be learned. 

And because listening is one of the key ingredients in a healthy relationship it’s an important skill to learn if you want to have a great marriage.

One of the listening skills I teach my couples is called "mirroring."

Mirroring is, reflecting back the content of your partner's message followed by checking in for clarity.

Since communication always involves two perspectives, it's important to try and understand your partner's world with attention and care.

Here's an example: Your partner expresses something important. Rather than jumping in with how that makes YOU feel, try saying, "So what you're saying is..." or "Let me see if I understand you..." Then you check in asking, "Did I get you?" or "Is there more you want to say about that?" 

It's a willingness to suspend your own perception for just a moment and be fully part of your partner's world. 

Mirroring does a couple of important things. 

• It cultivates a safe connection between you and your partner.

When someone feels truly heard, defenses are softened and a feeling of safety begins to blossom. When we feel safe, we want to do the fun stuff like nurture, play, and mate. 

(a.k.a -  romantic Valentine evening;)

• Secondly, this skill virtually obliterates misunderstanding.

Because you're reflecting and checking in to be sure you heard correctly, it's foolproof!

The next time you're tempted to give your partner that brilliant piece of insight into their problem, try a little mirroring. You might be surprised at how well you connect! 

So go ahead and pick out your favorite chocolates, sentimental cards, and stuffed bears.

But remember to give your partner one of the most important gifts you can this Valentine's Day...

the gift of listening.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Want more tips?

Below is a little cheat sheet I give to my clients to help them communicate more effectively.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

6 Things You Can Do To Make Your Marriage A Top Priority.

Making your marriage a top priority can feel like a “frightening” proposition. It may seem daunting and almost impossible amidst your hectic schedules. 

But no worries. During this Halloween season, save the “scaries” for the haunted house and get your own house in order with these 6 simple steps.

1) Share With Each Other What You Need To Feel Connected

One of the ways you can make your marriage a top priority is to ask your spouse, “How can I make you feel like you’re number one in my life?” 

Then really listen to the response. The Imago Dialogue is a great tool to use to help you with this. It teaches you to focus on what is truly said rather than jumping in with a defensive response or a quick fix.

2) Reinvigorate the Romance

Spending quality time together is essential to any great relationship. It’s like watering your favorite plant. It keeps it alive. But this isn’t always easy in this crazy-busy world. 

A great way to make sure this happens is to punctuate your relationship with rituals of connection. This could mean a regular Friday evening date night, a nightly walk around the neighborhood, or just cuddling on the couch watching your favorite series on Netflix. 

3) Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff 

There will always be moments when your spouse really annoys you, but you’ll be fighting an awful lot if you focus on every irritation. I believe that what you focus on expands. It makes sense to focus more on what you love and appreciate about your spouse so that more of what you love shows up. Don’t let all this good stuff get buried under the little annoyances.

4) But… Don’t Bury the Big Stuff

A sure-fire way to cause distance in your marriage is to constantly bury significant hurts and disappointments. They become like burning embers just under the surface of your relationship making healthy connection next to impossible. 

If you are feeling hurt or angry about something your spouse said or did, instead of lashing out or burying it, why don’t you schedule an Imago Dialogue? This will ensure that your feelings will be heard and validated and that you will express your feelings in a way that helps you get heard.

5) Take Good Care of Yourself

Remember the old saying, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” Your marriage is only as healthy as you are. So how can you begin to take better care of yourself?  

Maybe it’s spending some time at the gym or hanging out with special friends once in a while.  It could be taking some alone time to meditate, read a book, or listen to your favorite music. 

Self-care is not selfish. It’s essential to the well being of your marriage. Your happiness is your right and your responsibility. 

6) Own Your Own Stuff

Marriage is a little like a dance and just like you need to take responsibility for your own happiness you also have to take responsibility for your steps in this dance. My favorite quote by Gandhi is: ’Be the change you wish to see in the world.” It’s so much more empowering to focus on what you can do to do make a positive change rather than nagging your partner to change. That’s just pointless and frustrating. 

As you each begin to take more responsibility for your own steps you’ll be creating a beautiful dance of love together.

Whew, now you can relax and have some scary fun this week.

Happy Halloween Everybody!

If you would like to learn more about the Imago Dialogue and other tools to help you create a great marriage and would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here

6 HABITS OF MARRIED COUPLES WHO SURVIVE THE LONG HAUL

Have you ever marveled at that elderly couple who still hold hands and appear to be very connected?

How did they survive all the ups and downs that can threaten even the best marriages?

What's the secret to their success?

Marriage is a lot more like a marathon than a sprint and these habits are exactly the kind of gear that can help couples overcome the roughest terrain.

• Hold Hands Often.

Don’t ever underestimate this quiet little PDA. Your skin remembers and archives both positive and negative touch. This is a great way to deposit more love into your “merrymaking” memory bank. 

• Notice The Good Stuff

I often tell couples that they need to be strength detectives in their marriage. If you want a great relationship you need to be searching for and amplifying all the good stuff. When conflict arises it often obscures all the things you really love about your partner. So be on the lookout for the things you appreciate and make sure you communicate this to your partner.

• Don’t Be Afraid of a Good “Fight” 

Wise couples know that disagreements are part of the landscape of any great marriage. These couples don’t avoid conflict. They stay engaged even when it gets messy. The key is to develop the tools to resolve the conflict in a healthy way. When you have these tools there’s no need to run from conflict because you know that conflict can actually help you grow closer together. As you listen and understand each other in a deeper way, the bond that connects you becomes even stronger.

• Regularly Carve Out Quality Time Together. 

Just like a delicate flower needs water to survive, a great relationship  needs a regular dose of good old fashioned fun to thrive. You need to consciously and intentionally make time for quality connection. This could mean snuggling up to watch your favorite TV show together, a leisurely walk around the neighborhood, or dinner at your favorite restaurant. Be creative and do it regularly.

• Don’t Forget the Sex.

Sex can connect the two of you in a way unlike any other. It’s a physical reminder that your love is still alive and well, even if it gets forgotten from time to time. Having sex helps relieve stress. It releases endorphins and other hormones that make you feel good. Most importantly, sex is fun and having fun is an essential ingredient in any healthy relationship.

• Make Time For Yourself

Healthy couples have a healthy connection, but they also make room for that all important “me” time. This could mean going out with your friends, enjoying a relaxing message, or shooting some hoops at the local gym. Cultivating this time allows you to take ownership of your own well-being and happiness which is empowering for you and the relationship.

A great relationship doesn’t just happen. It requires two dedicated people who decide to invest the time and energy to make it happen!

Hope you found this newsletter insightful for your marriage. If you know one person who would benefit, you can "pay it forward" by forwarding this article to them. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a 15 minute Discovery Phone Session with me.

Not a subscriber yet? Like what you've read? Sign up to get great tools to help you buld a more passionate marriage.

Until next time!

What do marriage counselors and mechanics have in common?

If I know anything about men it's that:

• They tend to be more obsessed by things such as cars and ...

• They take great pride in being able to fix things.

On occasion I will use these little fun facts to prod a reluctant male into participating in couples therapy with his partner. 

(An activity akin to root canal for some). 

I ask these big, strong guys if they would think twice about bringing their car to their mechanic if it was in desperate need of repair.

I usually get a resounding "Hell no!"

"Ah, so why are you so reluctant to go to marriage counseling to help repair your most important relationship?" 

That usually gets them thinking. 

Actually, marriage counseling can be a daunting endeavor for men and women alike. It's not always easy to take that first important step toward getting the help you need for your marriage. But,the right kind of therapy can often make a world of difference in your relationship.

I wrote an article recently for marriage.com that addresses some of these issues:                      

Three Fundamental Principles For Building A Great Marriage

I've also devoted an entire Pinterest board on the subject of: 

The Benefits of Counseling

Knowledge is power! That's why I try to give couples as much information as they need to help make this first step a little easier to take.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage,

just click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Don’t forget to join my “Love Your Marriage” exclusive community.

I'm in there every day to give you some helpful tools and resources for your marriage and hopefully, you will share a few of your own.  Click here to join 

Break These 3 Bad Habits and Have a Healthier Marriage

How are those New Year’s resolutions going? 

I don’t know about you, but I tend to overreach and try to do too much all at once. 

Then… crash and burn. Better luck next year. 

Well, let’s make it short and simple this year so that you can start creating positive change in your relationship right now! 

If your goal is to have a healthier marriage, here are three simple habits you can develop to help you make it happen. 

• Ditch the electronics during your alone time. 

Are you glued to the computer or TV when your spouse is trying to talk to you?  

When you spend time with your spouse does the phone keep beeping with that “important” text?

I know that our phones are our lifeline and it’s hard to part ways even for an hour, but the lifeline for your marriage is uninterrupted quality time.

When you let these devices take center stage, it can damage the intimate connection you know you want to have. 

Instead, try to schedule uninterrupted alone time with your spouse on a regular basis. Make a habit of shutting out the world for a brief time each day to reconnect with the one you love. 

• No mind-reading, please!

There’s nothing more annoying than having your spouse tell you what you’re thinking. It’s bound to cause some friction. 

But there’s an easy cure. It just takes tweaking your message a little and using more “I” statements. 

For example, you emphatically proclaiming to your spouse: “You never liked my mother!” (This is headed for WW 3).

Instead, try to get into the habit of describing the particular situation and just saying what you’re really feeling: 

”Last night when you made that comment about my mother’s weight, I felt angry and a little hurt.”

Same content - much better presentation.

• Stop trying to fix the problem

This doesn't apply to the leaky faucet or the broken tail pipe. Fix away. 

I'm referring to the times you try to fix your partner’s problems and you miss the all important job of simply listening. 

So when your spouse is sharing something difficult, get into the habit of taking the time to really listen.

It takes a little extra effort, but it’s so worth it. Trust me, if your spouse wants your advice, you'll know it!.

Besides, it’s so much easier to listen rather than having to come up with all those fancy solutions all the time. What a relief! 

And listening is almost always what your spouse actually needs from you. Don’t underestimate the power of your focused attention. It’s invaluable. 

Just changing a few habits here and there can make a big difference in your relationship and it might even make this new year the best ever!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

3 Ways to Create Emotional Safety in Your Marriage

In my humble opinion the two most important ingredients in any healthy marriage are trust and safety. In an emotionally safe marriage each spouse feels valued, understood, and accepted. They may not always agree with each other, but each partner attempts to understand the other’s point of view with warmth and empathy. In these solid marriages spouses are not afraid to radically disagree because they know that afterward they have the capacity to emotionally reconnect.

Sounds great right? But there is one deadly weapon that can obliterate this trust and safety in one fell swoop. It’s called contempt. 

According to John Gottman, one of the nations top marriage experts, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce.

The definition of contempt is showing disrespect or disgust toward another. Contempt can slip in to even the best marriages. There are countless ways spouses show contempt for each other in both verbal and non verbal ways. It often comes in the form of name calling, snickering, sarcasm, eye rolling, and long heavy sighs. Like a poison it can erode this precious trust and safety and bring your marriage to a slow death. 

When you live with another person there are bound to be feelings of resentment and frustration that crop up from time to time. This is normal. Here are three things you can do to make sure these feelings don’t morph into this deadly attitude of contempt.

1. Become aware of when you are feeling angry and annoyed. Simply notice and accept these feeling without judgement. As you begin to explore these emotions with compassion you can respond to your partner with greater precision and clarity.

2. Let some time pass. Don’t react in the heat of the moment. Take some time to think about how you want to express these important feelings.

3. Delivery is everything. Remember it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference. Your goal is to be heard. So you need to present your message in a way that makes this happen without doing damage to the relationship.

   If you would like the "rest of the story" click here to get my free resource:                                                                                                                            

    "How To Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen"

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Here's how to keep those fireworks out of your marriage!

July is one of my favorite months. I love the long laid-back days and the backyard barbecues. 

For me, going to the fireworks on the 4th of July is one of summer's great pleasures. But it's not so pleasant when the fireworks are in your relationship. 

No worries though. They happen in every relationship because - "stuff happens."

The key is to turn the conflict on its head by pushing that all important "PAUSE BUTTON." 

This pause button short circuits that fight or flight impulse (the instinct that gets triggered during a heated argument) and redirects energy to the problem solving part of the brain. (the neocortex).

So how do you activate this powerful button? 

When that argument is headed to "never, never land" you need to pause and  ask yourself, "What is this going to accomplish?" Then you take a time out. This doesn't mean ignoring it or shoving things under the rug. This important breather gives you the opportunity to regroup, decompress and clear your mind so you can come back to the discussion and give your feelings the respect they deserve by expressing them when you're calm. 

In my work with couples I have them formulate their  - "Plan NOT to Attack." They describe in detail what they will do when things escalate, how long their time out will be, and what they will do to resolve things in a healthier way. When this plan is in play it can eventually become your new "go to" response and can override those old destructive habits.

So, see if you can develop your own "Plan NOT to Attack" together. This way the only fireworks you see are the ones in the sky!

Hope you found this newsletter insightful for your marriage. If you know one person who would benefit from this email you can "pay it forward" by forwarding this email to them. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here

How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage

Being a Marriage and Family Therapist and being married can be a double-edged sword. You have access to cutting edge tools and techniques and you are expected to always use them faithfully.

Well, things don’t always run as smoothly as they should. Especially in situations like the one that happened last night…

My husband and I were having a “discussion” about a heated issue and I felt myself becoming really angry with him. Did I immediately use one of the techniques I teach my couples?

Uhh, no. All I could think of were the many reasons why I had the right to be angry. I felt totally justified. To top it off, when we were “discussing” the situation, I heard myself uttering those dreaded words I tell my couples never to use - “always” and“never.”

That fight or flight response was in full gear. I was stuck in my immediate reaction and struck by the realization that, in that very moment, I was doing none of the things I teach my clients to do – things I know really work.

This was a very humbling experience, of course, and it was yet another reminder of how very challenging it can be to have a great marriage. I suddenly felt an even more profound admiration and respect for my clients as they diligently work to make their marriages thrive.

My “Aha!” moment came when I realized I have a choice. I didn’t have to stumble down that rocky road of anger and unhappiness, AND I have a reservoir of tools I teach my clients that I can use right here and right now.

“The point of power is always in the present moment.” – that’s what I teach in my workshop. I know that the tools I give my clients to use really work. The challenging part is putting them to work when it matters the most, like when your emotions are running high and it’s so hard to think clearly.

I stepped back from the situation because I realized that what I was doing wasn’t getting me what I wanted. Then I gave myself that all-important time out. This respite gave me the opportunity to settle my mind and think more clearly about the situation, thus creating that crucial pause between the situation and my reaction to it.

This is the fertile ground from which choice emerges.

As my mind started to settle I began thinking about these tools and how they could help me in this situation. The first thing that came to mind was, “Take responsibility for your steps in the dance.”- one of my many mantras. So I began to examine the destructive behavior patterns that I might be bringing into the situation.

It was quite sobering to recognize my role in this pattern, yet also immensely empowering to realize that this pattern was precisely what I have the power to change.

My choices can change the whole direction in this interaction. When we get stuck in our fight or flight mode, we see only those two choices. As I reflected on this during my quiet time I realized there were so many other choices available to me – opportunities to be the loving spouse I know I can be.

This put me in the driver’s seat, actively participating in changing the direction of this encounter. After 27 years of marriage the road can get bumpy at times, but it continues to be an exciting and healing journey.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

4 Healthy Habits of Successful Couples

Just wanted to share a recent article I wrote for Your Tango. Hope it helps you find new ways to keep your marriage fresh.

4 Healthy Habits of Successful Couples

Having a Great Marriage Takes More Than Luck

March can be a very unpredictable month.     

The old saying,"In like a lion and out like a lamb"  captures the mood of March.

In the midst of this tumultuous season, two very special events happen that are near and dear to my heart. 

The first is St. Patrick's Day.

My husband and I met on this very special day many moons ago. Though I don't have a speck of Irish in me, I'd like to think that some of the "Luck o The Irish" can come my way during this time of year.

If I'm not careful, though, I can start to believe that luck or wishful thinking has anything to do with creating a great marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. A great marriage involves two people consciously and intentionally creating the kind of marriage they desire together.

If each spouse is dedicated to taking personal responsibility for how they act and what they do to create the marriage they want, the relationship will continue to thrive. 

Does that mean perfection? No way! It may involve falling many times. But it also means having the courage to get back on track together again and again. 

This brings me to the second special event that occurs in March.

The beautiful season of spring emerges with the promise of new beginnings.

During the cold winter months when I visit my garden, I swear that there is no way anything can grow from that frozen soil and the dry brown underbrush. But lo and behold, every spring those sweet little shoots of life begin to pop up.

New life can blossom in your marriage too, sometimes when you least expect it. 

Here are 3 necessary seeds you can plant in your marriage this spring to help keep it alive and vibrant.

1. Make Time to Connect in a Healthy Way Each Day

Spring flowers need sunshine and water to blossom and your marriage needs your precious time and energy each day to helps it thrive.

Here are some suggestions:

- A simple kiss goodbye in the morning

- A quick text just to say, "I'm thinking of you."

- A brief "How was your day?" huddle to catch up on the days events

        2. Maintain An Attitude of Gratitude

What you focus on expands. Make a conscious effort to notice the things you love and appreciate about your spouse and express this appreciation often.

Here's what that might sound like:

- "Thank you so much for taking the initiative to give the kids a bath tonight."

-  "Wow, you look great in that shirt!"

 - "That was really generous of you to pick up the tab for dinner with my parents."

        3.Random Acts of Kindness

It's the little things that count. This could mean bringing in the groceries or putting on the coffee in the morning. Or it might be calling your partner during the day just to say, "Hi." 

On some days it could be a surprise, like getting tickets for a special event, bringing home a favorite dessert or scraping ice from the car in the morning before your partner wakes up.

Be creative. Experience the thrill in the unexpected.

New life can blossom in a marriage, sometimes when you least expect it.  But don't count on luck or wishful thinking to make it happen.

It happens when you make a commitment to give your marriage the time and attention it needs to blossom into the amazing relationship you really want to have. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

5 Problems Husbands and Wives Have While Arguing

If I had to name the number one challenge that couples face today it would have to be communication - hands down. It’s sad to see how problems in this area cause so much conflict and eventual divorce. 

The good news is that by making some minor changes in your communication style, you can avoid so much heartache and misunderstanding, which frees you up to use your energy creating the amazing relationship you really want to have. (Sounds like much more fun;)

Here is a Huff Post article that I contributed to which addresses this very problem. Please feel free to add any suggestions of your own.

5 Problems Husbands and Wives Have While Arguing - Solved by Therapists